My Creative Thoughts 

I’ll start this off by saying, you can only take so much from people. You defend their image while all they do is diminish yours. I can’t even begin to understand why I ever cared about gatekeeping the way people have mentally/physically abused me in the past. Even if I have healed from the trauma, it lingers with the scars that belong to me. Truthfully, I am still healing and I probably will continue to do so for a long time. I have forgiven myself for allowing the treatment I’ve received from past “friends and lovers” but I’ve found it a bit difficult to forgive those who have done the hurting behind the scenes. I mean, time and time again I let these people into my life thinking that they truly care and loved me. While all they did was put me down and made me feel like I wasn’t enough.. but God knows how much I dislike abandoning people.. even when they’re not deserving of me. My family used to always warn me about these people, and I would always ignore them because I thought “they don’t know them like I do”. I was ALWAYS the friend who had everyone’s back. I was always taught to protect my loved ones, being the older sister to my 3 siblings that I was raised with. So, I carried that with me— throughout the years. I was a REAL friend to all my girls and they knew that. I was the girl they’d run to whenever someone wanted to fight them, so what would I do? Get into fights with girls who I had no business fighting. Stupid girls who couldn’t defend themselves, is what I see now that I am older. When I would get into trouble, NO ONE would be there for me. Yet, I still remained true to  the protector I grew to be. Just with the wrong crowd. I kept one friend around thinking that her and I would be friends forever and all she did was prove to me how horrible of a friend she was. She was there for me, when I had no one. Losing her was like a break-up because I knew I wasn’t ever going to look at her the same. The betrayal is greater when you didn’t expect it from that one person. My heart still breaks now, because I would’ve never told anyone what I know about her.. a person with many friends isn’t to be trusted because that means they will allow anyone in her energy just for quantity. Fake people still exist and I’ve just found it hard to actually trust another person enough to make them my best friend again. For now, I’m okay having all of you as acquaintances. Close, but at a distance. What you see on social media is what I want you to see. 

I am the human full of joy and positivity, but I am also the human full of rage and regret. I don’t let either one define who I truly am because I’ve learned to balance those parts of me and still offer the person I truly am to those who deserve to experience that side of me now. But I’m still only human and I remember everything that’s ever been done to me.

I was raised without a father figure in my life, and truthfully it’s been a rough ride. My mother was the person who I could rely on when it came down to everything. Working jobs, taking public transportation, and still managing to get us toys. I remember my mother used to take my siblings and I to the dollar store and we loved it. We would get so happy when she said we could choose (3) toys each and boy did we! I used share rooms and beds with my siblings growing up, and honestly it did get pretty bad the older I got. Going through things that a child should’ve never endured, all because my father decided he didn’t want to be a dad to us. But, still… I chose to love him regardless. Growing up, missing out on the love of your father.. makes you realize how much you would appreciate the love of a man. I went seeking for it time and time again, and when I finally became a mother to my baby boy, I knew what it was to be loved by someone who grew inside of me, made perfectly me. But, the truth is, the love of a child couldn’t fill the void that I had of not having the love of a lover. When things didn’t work out with my son’s father, I had fun thinking that I was free and able to do anything I wanted, but it was the wrong turn I took in life. I found a guy who I thought loved me, and he did, but in a sick way. He loved to watch me suffer, so that he could make me feel better. He used to call me names just because I couldn’t afford something to eat or alcohol for him to drink. I used to spend every penny I had just to see him, because I was OBSESSED with the thought of what could be. He abused me so bad, and sent me to the hospital once for abusing me with a tool and I will never forget the way he made me feel. Why and how could I love someone who caused me so much pain.. and the answer was the same everytime, because I didn’t have my father there to show me what love looks like from a man. I had to find out the hard way. He took my happiness, and left me with pain.. he left this earth in May 2019. I wasn’t allowed to his viewing or funeral, for reasons that I couldn’t understand. But I believe the rejection was protection because no one wished me good that associated with him. I was the one to blame and I received messages from people threatening me for months after his death. I remember on his birthday, I wanted to visit his grave but his family was holding a celebration of life, and I cried leaving the cemetery knowing I couldn’t step foot outside of my car without being targeted by his family.. I always loved sitting at his grave and talking to him. I used to tell him how my days been going since he’s been gone and sometimes I could hear the whistling of the wind, chiming through my ears and I would always take that as a sign. He was listening to me. It was my first time losing someone that I used to call mine, he was my person, but I don’t think I was ever his. We were suppose to get married June 2019, and that’s how madly in love I was with that man, who was my abuser. I mean this in the literal sense, he is gone…  but never forgotten because the scars remind me that pain was real.

Fast forward to Oct 2019, I got into my first relationship after losing my ex. A childhood friend, with a past. He was no good. Literally, rotten fruit. But he promised to take care of me, to never hurt me the way I’ve been hurt. I dealt with him for 4-5 years on and off. I finally called it quits with him in April 2024 (surprisingly)— no one thought I would ever leave him because we would always get back together. I wish I had the courage to walk away all of those times he cheated on me, lied to me and abandoned me when I needed him the most. Now if I didn’t know what love was, that was love to me.. the way we clicked in the beginning was like a love story. Love at first sight. We were inseparable. I was too blind to see that he had addictions to sex, drugs and money. A person who never found happiness within themselves, so they found it in other materialistic objects. Who was I kidding? I was never going to be enough for a human like that. I experienced sadness like no other with him. He was never a good person to me and I wish I would’ve seen the way he used others for money. I remember he owed some girl money, and I paid her back for them.. she told me I would see the guy he truly is, and how he isn’t a good person. I was too blindly in love with him to believe her. He triggered my healing journey because I couldn't take anymore pain in my life. I began my spiritual journey at 20 and enrolled in school to study criminal justice, so I could go to law school… and bring justice to those, because I was never given any justice from the wrongdoings of others. I thought maybe I could be that person for my Hispanic community. But, when you’re around the wrong people and don’t have support from those “loved ones”, it becomes difficult and success feels unattainable. When I finally discovered myself, I got rid of anyone who wasn’t energetically aligned with me. I learned to meditate and how to be present in life. It was DARK. A person who never had someone to guide them in life, finding guidance within themselves was the loneliest journey I’ve ever been in. I was always a sensitive girl, and if you know me well enough now, I still am very sensitive. But the heightened sensitivity is what made me realized that I feel things so deeply. I can feel the energy exuding from someone or something. My intuition tells me things that I couldn’t even begin to imagine. I remember when I was getting my ex a gift for his birthday and he wasn’t answering the phone, he told me he couldn’t talk because he was at his mother’s place. But my intuition told me to check his apartment parking lot, and so I did, I found him with a girl in her car and all he did was walk up to me and ask what I was doing there.. you better believe he didn’t get his gift LOL but it also broke my heart. I've experienced that with him several times and I was always too stupid to walk away. But moral of the story, after years of suffering, I found myself. I believe and have so much faith in myself that I let myself be led by what feels right. I don’t dismiss feelings, I make sure to let anyone know how they make me feel. Sometimes it’s triggering to people because who do I think I am placing boundaries LOL God forbid. A person who once made herself available to others, decided... I don’t care for you to have access to me anymore. 

Just so you all know, I planned on saying more.. but when you’re in the heat of the moment, you should wait to make any decisions. I was reminded of that yesterday when I was talking to my mother and brother. Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings. I shouldn’t let anyone affect me to the point that I feel like I have to step out of character, but I do feel like sometimes it’s okay not to be scared to remind them of the power you hold over them. People can say they couldn’t care less about me, but I know if that were true, you’d just leave me alone. Enough is enough and I just don’t wish to be that same girl who allowed people in my life who never meant any good. I’m okay with being alone and dedicating my life to family, my true family. I have a few friends that I cherish, and they know who they are. I’m grateful to be where I am in life because it’s taught me patience and to remain positive even when life is falling apart. But, I am tired of being a pawn in the games other people play. I will vocalize myself and will be heard even if I have to remain silent. Sometimes the silence says more than words could ever. That’s why I’m here.

“Life isn’t perfect, but it’s guided me through, to a life so true, where I overcame the blues. The darkest days of my life are behind me, and I’ve learned to love them, because who would I be, without the stream of tears I’ve once cried.”